Defeatist Attitude...

So why do I get a defeatist attitude when confronted?  At times, in the course of a discussion I realize that my opinion or "side" is not worth fighting for in that instance.  I do not like conflict.  I do not like to argue with someone I care about.  I am more likely to "give in" with someone I care about in an effort to keep the peace.  I have had experiences in past relationships that have taught me that sometimes it is better to keep my mouth shut, because if I don't keep my mouth shut, bad things happen.  The majority of the physical abuse that occurred in any of my past relationships has occurred from me "fighting for my opinion" or asserting that I am right.  In that instance, it doesn't take long for someone to adopt the "Yes, you are right" attitude.  Is it the correct way to handle things?  No, of course not.  However, just like it was a learned behavior to adopt that attitude, I also have to relearn how to NOT do that in our relationship.  It is not something that you can expect overnight from me, but it is certainly something that I will give my best effort at avoiding in the future.  Please point it out to me when you catch me doing it, because there may be times where I am truly unaware of it and need your help.   

I'm notoriously bad at titles... Relationships Week 1

Today you asked for 3 things positive about 2 of my previous relationships, and 3 reasons/things that caused them to end.  For the male relationship, I have to use J.D. as he has been the only long-term opposite sex relationship of my adult life.  (Dannielle is a grey area for me, so I think I am going to just leave that relationship out of this.) For the female, I am going to use Heather, my first girlfriend.  It is certainly the relationship that has had the most long-term impact on me, even though it ended a long time ago.

3 positives in my relationship with J.D.

1.  We shared a similar sense of humor.  I love to laugh and joke around and he "got" my at times quirky attempts at being funny.
2. It was consistent.  I knew what to expect and when.  It might not have always been what I wanted, but I knew what I was going to get.  There is a certain comfort in consistency for me.
3. (Do you know how hard it is to think of a third one here?????  The man made me fucking miserable for most of the past two years...There isn't much positive...However....)  He gave me a wonderful son.  Without him, I would not have Jordan.

3 reasons why it ended with J.D.

1. Dishonesty.  He couldn't tell me the truth about the most basic things.  He chose to keep his relationship with Michelle a secret when he could have been honest with me from the beginning.  We had the agreement that he could be with whomever else he wanted.  I asked for the "courtesy" of knowing what/who he was doing.  I wasn't going to stop him.  I just wanted to know, so there weren't any surprises.  In the end, I got a bunch of surprises...Michelle, the pregnancy, the hidden money....etc...  
2. He became a completely different person than the man I met.  The J.D. I met over 4 years ago, was intelligent, motivated, and a SADIST.  He was highly skilled at what he did and highly motivated to learn more and perfect what he already knew.  While things stayed that way briefly, I feel like once he knew he "had me," he gave all of that up.  It becomes incredibly tiring and demoralizing to constantly beg to "play" or to have sex.  I really began to wonder what was wrong with me because he was fucking and playing with other women.  Again...this is where honesty comes into play for me...because I asked him about this...many, many times and never got a straight answer.  Always some bullshit.  Always an excuse.  Never an honest answer as to why he could beat and fuck other women but not me.  Never a reason why I wasn't "good enough."  
3. On two separate occasions previous to April of this year, he was non-consensually violent with me.  The first occurred during an argument when he swore I was making a "mean face" at him.  He grabbed me roughly by the upper arm and dragged me into the bathroom mirror so I could "see myself."  I didn't see what he saw that night.  The time after that occurred when I had the "nerve" to question him about "where" the majority of his paycheck went.  When I continued to question him after he said I don't know, he slapped me across the face and then back-handed me in the opposite direction.  Both times, he was extremely apologetic, and I forgave him but I didn't forget.  I became very afraid to "talk" to him, because I had two concrete examples as to what happened when I did try to talk to him about things.         

3 positives about my relationship with Heather.

1. She was the first person I felt like I could truly be myself with.  She accepted me for me and didn't try to change who I was at a core level.  She appreciated the things about me that make me unique, like my sense of humor and intelligence.  She gave me the strength and confidence to come out of the closet, and deal with what happened when I did. 
2. We explored kink together for the first time.  It wasn't a D/s relationship.  Whatever she did to me, I did to her.  She was my first experience with spanking, knife-play, cutting/blood-play, etc...etc...  I will NEVER be able to "repay" her for making me feel safe enough to explore that with her.  To this day, that is one of the things I remember most...how it was all "ok.."...nothing was too weird, or too "fucked-up," or whatever...and I never had to worry if I tell her I want to do XYZ, she might leave me or not love me anymore.  
3. She loved me.  As much as she could at any given moment, and I loved her in the same way.  She showed me she loved me by sticking with me for three years and through a lot of shit and she never hesitated to tell me how much I meant to her.  Again, at a time when I felt very alone and fragile in life, this was absolutely priceless. 

3 reasons why it ended with Heather

1.  Drugs/Addiction.   We were both active heroin addicts.  When our relationship started, I was not a heroin addict.  I had tried it, but was primarily smoking pot, drinking, and snorting cocaine.  She was taking pills, smoking pot, and using (smoking) heroin but I didn't know until about 3 months into our relationship.  When I found out, we began using heroin together and by 9 months together were shooting up.  She is the first person that shot me up.  (Sad, bittersweet memory there...)  Eventually life became all about getting high and less about what we needed to do to make our relationship survive.  Drugs took over as our best friend and lover...leaving no room essentially for each other.
2. Dishonesty.  Active addicts lie...and the sky is clear (lol.)  We both lied to each other about a lot of things to the point where neither of us trusted the other any more.  From simple things like work schedules, to where we were the night before, to who we were with etc...  After months upon months of this, it erodes a relationship.  
3. Infidelity.  I cheated on her with Colleen, who was one of my best friends and a fellow junkie.  Colleen had never been with a woman and selfishly I wanted to be her first.  It became an ongoing thing.  I managed to keep the affair a secret (refer to #2) for about 6 months, until Colleen and Heather got high together one night and Colleen told her everything.  Heather had a very difficult time "getting over it," and in hindsight I don't blame her.  Heather did a lot of fucked up shit, but she never cheated on me.  I was the one that did that.  After trying to move on for about 6 weeks, she gave up and we officially broke up.

One more note about Heather:  About six months after we broke up, we saw each other and began speaking again.  After about a week or so, she asked me to get back together with her, and I refused.  I had JUST gotten clean...I think I had like 50-60 days or something like that.  She was still using.  Being clean was too important to me at the time to risk getting back together with her, though I did still love her.  I often wonder what would have happened if we had enough common fucking sense to get clean together and build a life together.  If it wasn't for the drugs, I don't think things would have ended, or at least not ended the way they actually did.  We are friends on FB now, and occasionally talk beyond a status update or whatever.  She is married to a woman named Lisa, and seems fairly happy.  I'm still looking for the kind of love I had with her.  (Upon rereading this...PLEASE do not take that personally...)  I look back on the years I was with her as some of the happiest in my life.  (Yes, even with the drugs...)  I never worried about being "good enough."  I didn't feel less than or like I didn't matter...  I felt special, and loved, and safe.

You said this morning that this was "fluff" stuff.   I might have agreed until I started writing it.  It wasn't easy for me.  If J.D. is hard for me to talk about, Heather is near impossible at times.  I hope I did reasonably well at giving you what you were looking for.