6 Months Alone..

If I was alone for 6 months, would I be able to keep myself occupied?  Am I good company?  Yes, I do think I would be able to keep myself occupied as long as I had books, pen/paper, and perhaps some painting supplies...if I could also have TV that would be a bonus.  I don't rely on people all that heavily for my entertainment as it is.  While I consider myself very friendly, I don't like people on a fundamental level.  I don't have a lot of close friends and I am happy with that.  I prefer to go places and do things alone.  Perhaps it is because the majority of the time I am surrounded with my kids, but I really do like doing things alone, and being by myself.  

Songs...

Round Here by Counting Crows

My Life by the Beatles

Don't Give Up by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush

Choking, and Biting, and Pain....OH MY!!!!!

You asked for a list of everything I need sexually to be happy in a relationship.  I don't think many of these will need explanation from me, so I am just going to put them all in list form.  They are in no particular order.  After you read this, I can rank them on a scale of 1-10 if needed.  (I'm also going to mix traditional "sex" activities, with traditional "play" activities here.  For us, right now, the two kind of blend.)


Here goes... 

• Biting  (Give and receive)
• Penetration/fingering, prefer fingers..hands...toys are ok..
• Kissing   (Give and receive)
• Breast play/"torture"  (Give and receive)
• Nipple play/torture    (Give and receive)
• Spanking
• Paddling
• Flogging/impact play.
• "Dirty" talk  (Give and receive)
• Oral   (Give and receive)
• Touching all over  (Give and receive)
• Cuddles and just being held  (Give and receive)
• Choking/Breath play
• Being allowed to squirt/orgasm  (I have a REAL difficult time with orgasm restriction.  Eventually my brain shuts off and I CAN'T come.)
• Knife/Bladeplay
• Rope/Being tied up/Restrained
• Blindfolds
• Strap On Fucking
• Feeling my lover's body weight on top of me.
• Pain of other types...clamps, pinching, whatever your twisted brain comes up with...(giggles)

For me when it comes to sex/sexual relationships, I separate along gender lines.  If you are my girlfriend, I will not have sex with any other women.  I may be with a man, but not another woman.  In the past year or so, sex has become a rather intimate and special thing for me, and not something I feel comfortable sharing with a lot of people.  I did a lot of that when I was younger.  It's just not me anymore.  In truth, I don't foresee me wanting to have sex with anyone but you at this point.  I love being with you.  I love the intimacy that we share.  Obviously, I don't see finding that with anyone else...so why bother?  Yes, I guess there is a "value" in just fucking for the sake of getting off, but if my mind is not "in it," I can't fully enjoy it.  I spend more time worrying about what I look like or what I sound like to ever actually be comfortable.  When I am not comfortable, I don't feel safe.  When I don't feel safe, I can never be naked and enjoy sex with someone without disassociating.  Disassociating is NOT good for me...I have learned this.   So again, why bother???  Make sense???

Quickie Update As I Try To Settle my Brain...

Don't feel like typing it all out, but when we talk tomorrow, I need to talk to you about tonight.  I didn't do anything I said I wouldn't... It was just weird...I feel weird..uncomfortable.  So I am writing this so I will be held accountable to discuss it.

I didn't do the song part of today's task.  I will do it first thing in the AM, unless you tell me different.  I apologize for not doing it today.

I am working on the sex list.  I know I promised it by tonight, but you will have it by tomorrow at 6PM. 

*I am sorry I fucked up today and didn't get everything done.  I  laid down to try to relieve my back pain and fell asleep for over 2 hours.  Not an excuse, but I really was in pain.  I'm sorry, and I will do my best to insure it does not happen again.*   I love you and I miss you.  I can't wait to see you again....

The Week In Review...6/26--7/2

This week started off fairly normal.  Nothing too earth-shattering or exciting.  After Wednesday though, things got interesting for me on an emotional level.  Doing the relationship blog caused me to realize some things about myself that I never really "knew" before.  I think that will be helpful going forward because it has given me a start point, so to speak, to begin looking at the issues I currently have.  For that matter, starting this whole new facet of our relationship for me has been interesting because I very much feel like I am having to prove myself to you and prove how much I want this.  Rightly so, in my opinion, but it is definitely new for me.  I am very focused on doing well, because I want to be able to prove my worth/dedication/loyalty/desire to you once again.  There are no guarantees right now, and I am very aware of that.  I WANT that "G-word" title again...jesus christ..I want it more than I want to breathe...But I know I have to earn it this time.  I hope you see that I am honestly trying.  So that's been about where I am at with all that. 

In other news, I am going to go to dinner tonight with Paullie.  We haven't hung out in a while, and while it is a good thing that we are going to, it is also one of those things that makes me a bit nervous.  Paullie and I have a VERY sexually charged friendship, and at times dealing with that makes me a bit uncomfortable...especially when I do not want to have sex with him.  But hey...it's dinner and talking for a few hours..I am trying to keep an open mind that he just wants to have dinner with his friend..and isn't looking at dinner as a way to get back in my pants.  (I will probably update this when I get home....)

Three Goals For July...

1.   Lose eight pounds by eating healthy and exercising.



2.  Get Sebby and Tyler enrolled in a "fall" soccer team, and find a social interaction opportunity for Jordan.



3.   Spend 10 minutes each day in quiet reflecting on whatever I am FEELING at that very moment, instead of staying so busy that I never stop to just "be" for a second.